How To: Join The Illuminati

Posted by on February 29, 2016

The Illuminati. A secret society hidden in the shadows, pulling the strings of world events and manipulating popular culture through fame, fortune, and the ever-present All-Seeing Eye.

Are they real? Well, of course they are, according to many conspiracy theorists. And the spam email and comments I’ve been receiving lately.

Only one question, then, remains:

How do you join them?

Step One: If You Have To Ask…

The path to joining the Illuminati is a simple one, or so it would seem. You just have to follow three easy steps:

  • Be rich
  • Be famous
  • Don’t call them – they’ll call you

And who knows; you might already be a member, subliminally programmed to do their bidding. In that case, you’re one step ahead!

Join the Illuminati…by email.

Image: Swallowtail Garden Seeds via CC by 2.0
Image: Swallowtail Garden Seeds via CC by 2.0

All right. You got me. I don’t actually know how to join the Illuminati. And if I did, I have a strong suspicion I wouldn’t be allowed to tell you. What I really wanted to do here, instead, was share a couple of those odd spam comments I’ve received.

Here’s one, a message that was sent to me not too long ago. It curiously arrived from an .edu domain, and promised me great fame and riches if I chose to…reply to their email:

“INVITATION TO THE GREAT ILLUMINATI

Your email was selected among the ten lucky people giving the opportunity of becoming rich and popular by joining the great Illuminati network for more details please contact email ([redacted]) for more details”

And here’s a couple of recent comments left right here on the blog:

“THERE ARE SEVERAL REASON WHY PEOPLE JOIN ILLUMINATI. JOINING BRINGS YOU INTO LIMELIGHT IN THE WORLD YOU ARE LIVING TODAY, NAMESAKE WAS CREATE BECAUSE OF YOU AND TO MAKE YOU SUCCESSFUL IN WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING FOR A LIVING. NAMESAKE CAN MAKE YOU ENJOY RICHES FOR 159 YEARS AND YOU WILL BE PROTECTED FROM ANYTHING…”

Along with:

‘It is a well-known fact that Illuminati consist of Multi Millionaires, Billionaires who have major influence regarding most global affairs, including the planning of a New World Order. Many world leaders, Presidents, Prime Ministers, royalty and senior executives of major Fortune 5000 companies are members of Illuminati. Now, for the FIRST TIME IN HISTORY, we are opening our doors to the masses…”

The comments proceeded to ramble on about the occult, then outlined what we’re all really interested in – the Illuminati membership benefits.

It’s like a secret society gift basket:

  • a cash rewards of one million dollars
  • a brand new car
  • a “dream house”
  • a one-month all-expenses-paid vacation to the destination of your choice
  • special meetings with the top 5 world leaders and celebrities around the world

Sounds exciting! But, unfortunately, it’s all just spam.

Bummer.

At any rate, whether the Illuminati truly exists or not, I don’t find it outside the realm of possibility that there could be hidden organizations around the world manipulating certain events. However, as I’ve said before, I do believe the true secret society is the one whose name you’ll never know…

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Post by Rob Schwarz

Rob Schwarz is a writer, blogger, and part-time peddler of mysterious tales. He manages Stranger Dimensions in between changing aquarium filters and reading bad novels about mermaids.