Top 5 Celebrity Time Travelers

Posted by on May 23, 2013

What’s the number one rule of time travel?

Don’t ever let anyone take your picture! How many times do we have to go over this? Not taking the proper precautions during your impromptu time voyages could easily create a time paradox, the result of which could cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space-time continuum and destroy the entire universe!

But whatever. No one listens. Here are five examples of high-profile celebrities who just can’t seem to follow the rules…

Jay-Z in 1939

jay-z-time-travel

In this photograph, we see rapper Jay-Z as he takes a short break from the modern age and zips back to Harlem, 1939.

Yeah, real cool. You hear that sound in the background? That’s the Horsehead Nebula exploding into a billion billion tiny bits of fractured space-time. Oh, but it gets worse…

Nicholas Cage in 1870

cage-vampire

This old-timey photograph clearly shows everyone’s favorite madman, Nicholas Cage, during a brief stop in Tennessee circa 1870. The photo popped up on eBay a couple years ago, with the seller claiming that Cage is, in fact, “some sort of walking undead / vampire,” capable of reinventing himself “once every 75 years or so.” But we all know the truth.

Put the Flux Capacitor away, Mr. Cage.

John Travolta, Victorian Style

john-travolta-vampire

This one, an ambrotype of John Travolta in the Victorian era, also ended up on eBay. Oh, what’s that? These are just lookalikes and the people who listed the photos on eBay were just having a laugh? I don’t understand the question and I won’t respond to it.

Keanu Reeves, the First Immortal

Portrait of a Man

And this painting, which can apparently be found at the Uffizi Gallery in Florence, Italy, showcases who else? Keanu Reeves. It’s titled “Portrait of a Man.”

Whoa.

Vampires, time travelers. Do we have to be particular? In this case, one of three things is happening: either Keanu Reeves is a time traveler, a top-secret cloning experiment, or an immortal who feasts on the blood of young virgins every Halloween. The guy doesn’t age.

Michael Cera, Circa 1875

Cera-Hitler

And finally, well, here’s a weird one. I may or may not be the first to inform you of this, but Michael Cera may in fact be Adolf Hitler’s mother. As many have noticed, there does seem to be a resemblance. This certainly complicates the timestream a bit.

My theory: He was so excited to hear that Netflix picked up Arrested Development for a fourth season (releasing this Sunday!?!) that he harnessed the power of a supernova ala Doctor Who and ripped a hole in the space-time continuum. He also may or may not have played a role in igniting WWII.

I just hope it was worth it, Mr. Manager.

So remember, folks: if you’re going to travel through time, wear a big hat or something. And put your cell phones away. Sooner or later the whole universe is going to go POP! and this is why.

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Post by Rob Schwarz

Rob Schwarz is a writer, blogger, and part-time peddler of mysterious tales. He manages Stranger Dimensions in between changing aquarium filters and reading bad novels about mermaids.