How To: Join The Illuminati

By on February 29, 2016 // L'Absurde // 8 Comments

Image: Rudolf Getel via CC by 2.0
Image: Rudolf Getel via CC by 2.0

The Illuminati. A secret society hidden in the shadows, pulling the strings of world events and manipulating popular culture through fame, fortune, and the ever-present All-Seeing Eye.

Are they real? Well, of course they are, according to many conspiracy theorists. And the spam email and comments I’ve been receiving lately.

Only one question, then, remains:

How do you join them?

Step One: If You Have To Ask…

The path to joining the Illuminati is a simple one, or so it would seem. You just have to follow three easy steps:

  • Be rich
  • Be famous
  • Don’t call them – they’ll call you

And who knows; you might already a member, subliminally programmed to do their bidding. In that case, you’re one step ahead!

Join the Illuminati…by email.

All right. You got me. I don’t actually know how to join the Illuminati. And if I did, I have a strong suspicion I wouldn’t be allowed to tell you. What I really wanted to do here, instead, was share a couple of those odd spam comments I’ve received.

Here’s one, a message that was sent to me not too long ago. It curiously arrived from an .edu domain, and promised me great fame and riches if I chose to…reply to their email:


Your email was selected among the ten lucky people giving the opportunity of becoming rich and popular by joining the great Illuminati network for more details please contact email ([redacted]) for more details”

And here’s a couple of recent comments left right here on the blog:


Along with:

‘It is a well-known fact that Illuminati consist of Multi Millionaires, Billionaires who have major influence regarding most global affairs, including the planning of a New World Order. Many world leaders, Presidents, Prime Ministers, royalty and senior executives of major Fortune 5000 companies are members of Illuminati. Now, for the FIRST TIME IN HISTORY, we are opening our doors to the masses…”

The comments proceeded to ramble on about the occult, then outlined what we’re all really interested in – the Illuminati membership benefits.

It’s like a secret society gift basket:

  • a cash rewards of one million dollars
  • a brand new car
  • a “dream house”
  • a one-month all-expenses-paid vacation to the destination of your choice
  • special meetings with the top 5 world leaders and celebrities around the world

Sounds exciting! But, unfortunately, it’s all just spam.


At any rate, whether the Illuminati truly exists or not, I don’t find it outside the realm of possibility that there could be hidden organizations around the world manipulating certain events. However, as I’ve said before, I do believe the true secret society is the one whose name you’ll never know…

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About the Author

Rob Schwarz is a writer, blogger, and part-time peddler of mysterious tales. He manages Stranger Dimensions in between changing aquarium filters and reading bad novels about mermaids.

  • Ash Blaster

    If the Illuminati is real (and i personally think they are), they’re obviously very intelligent, being able to hide from society as much as possible. But I would believe that many are involved in the Illuminati and this society goes way past the field of UFOs and some paranormal events since they pull the strings of society, dominating any form of government known. But that’s just my general opinion.

  • There are a couple of places you might start. Membership into the “Illuminati” as you might perceive it from popular culture is not as cut-and-dry as one might imagine. If you were a titan of industry, you might aspire to receive an invitation into the infamous Bilderberg Group, comprised of roughly 600 of the wealthiest and most powerful people in the world. If you were of a political bent, you might try to seek admission to the “Bohemians”, a group of politicians and world figures who meet annually to perform a cremation of care ceremony in front of a giant statue of Moloch, their owl-god of death. Were you an academic, you might try to work your way into the Council on Foreign Relations, an agency of 3000+ elites who influence global affairs. If you were more of a philosopher, you might work your way through Freemasonry, eventually passing through the York Rite into the Knights Templar, and later receiving an invitation to one of the Rosicrucian Fraternities such as the Aeth Priesthood, which claims to be the greatest source of occult wisdom in the world.

    The point of all of this is: there is no single “Illuminati” as you might expect. There are, however, groups of highly influential people who travel in similar circles and indeed tend to have the greatest influence on global affairs, politics and entertainment. Know this one truth, however: none of these people have as much control as the true owners of this world, and these are people you have never heard of and will never be able to infiltrate. This is simply a fact of life.

    • One important follow-up point: most of these institutions and societies exist not to bestow power upon its constituents, but rather, to exert control over them. Whatever promises they make of extending one’s network or influence, know that it comes with a price. The most powerful people in this world became so by better understanding principles of human manipulation than all others.

    • janniemk

      Okay, fine. But those true owners . . . they’re not a bunch of interdimensional space lizards, are they? Please tell me it’s not them. Or aliens. Please.

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