The Craigslist Time Travelers

By on March 20, 2015 // Time Travel // 12 Comments

Image: Jon S/Flickr via CC by 2.0
Image: Jon S/Flickr via CC by 2.0

Could proof of time travel be right under our noses? On Craigslist, of all places? Submitted for your consideration, here are four self-proclaimed time travelers who have posted their ads on the popular classifieds website.

The Time Bicycle

First up, straight from the year 2013, we have your usual For Sale ad from someone in Florida, only in this case we’re dealing with a rather special item: a bicycle that can travel into different dimensions…and through time. Are you adventurous enough – and can you peddle a bicycle well enough – to save humanity?

“A real marvel of future science . This device is capable of traveling different dimensions and time periods. Endorsed by Thomas Jefferson and Albert Einstein. This here is not an ordinary bike by any means. It breaks my heart even considering posting this time traveling machine on Craigslist.

This technology comes with great power, so it must be handled with great responsibility. I will only sell this machine to whoever can prove themselves worthy of obtaining such power. I have seen the dark face of humanity as I traveled to the year 3017. I cannot explain the gruesome end that our children’s children will face. I was not powerful enough to stop the evil, so that’s why I am selling this machine. I want to be 100% sure that the next owner has what it takes to save the human race.

I have had a lot of adventures with this machine, and I have met a lot of history’s most influential figures, but the real purpose of this time machine is to save humanity. I will be waiting for the next rider of time to come forth. Come ready with a good proposal of why you are worthy enough. Basic bike riding skills a MUST!!!”

While the original Craigslist ad is long gone, like the others, this “marvel of the future” was listed for a cool $1,000. I wonder if anyone accepted the offer…

Time machine technician needed ASAP!

craigslist-time-travel-proof

Image: Craigslist

Next, we have this urgent Craigslist ad from 2014, posted by a time traveler from another century who found him/herself stuck during this, the “Warming Age.” Whoever listed this ad was looking for “any other hoppers” who could fix a busted Jumper 40xx series time machine.

“So I had a huge lapse in judgment and made a huge mistake today. Usually – no problem: go back and fix it. But I went to fire up my Jumper and lo and behold it’s broken and I’m in the wrong century to get it fixed.

Any other hoppers hanging around the Warming Age with technical experience to help out? I think I just need the bender fixed or replaced or maybe you can take me to a dagoon? I already wrote on the wall but we all know how often the archives get checked… hopefully someone is around so I don’t have to wait for a rescue. thanks! email me or write on the wall”

View the ad on the Best of Craigslist.

TEST SUBJECT NEEDED FOR TIME MACHINE

Image: someecards

Image: someecards

Our next Craigslist time traveler, who posted his ad back in 2011, had some oddly specific requirements.

“I have successfully built a working time machine and need a human test subject that is willing to be the first person to ever travel back in time.

Due to the dimensions of the machine, you must be shorter than 6’3″ and weigh less than 230 lbs. Also, you must be male. That’s not due to the dimensions of the machine, it’s just a personal thing. I think a man should be the first to time travel, just like he was the first to fly an airplane and to walk on the moon.

The pay is $3,000 and, of course, you’ll reap the benefits of being the first person to ever travel back in time (media coverage, endorsements, etc.). You will have to sign a waiver that mainly states:
1. I am not responsible for anything that happens to you when you time travel.
2. You are forbidden from interfering in matters that would disrupt the current timeline (i.e. killing Hitler, warning Hitler about D-Day, etc.).
3. You are not allowed to travel back in time for the purposes of tearing up this waiver before it’s been signed, thereby negating this waiver you’re about to sign. I built a time machine, I’m no moron.

As far as the danger of time traveling in this machine, we sent a dog into the past yesterday and it went off without a hitch. He hasn’t yet returned, but that’s just because animals don’t know how to rendezvous. We would like for you to bring him back, if at all possible.

Lastly, you will need three personal references. I can’t take a chance sending some unscrupulous druggie into the past because you’ll mess everything up for us here in the present. The references must be male. Again, it’s just a personal thing.”

I do have some bad good? news about this one, though. It was apparently a confirmed prank by a comic out of Raleigh, North Carolina. He did get 100 callers and two radio interviews out of it, though. What can I say; people want to travel through time!

The Bozeman Time Traveler

craigslist-time-travel-bozeman

Image: Craigslist

And finally, we have this old Craigslist ad from 2010 out of Bozeman, Montana. This individual planned to head back to 1983 “to handle some business,” but he needed help. Specifically, help from someone who knew someone else who could watch his cat, and also whose head had a circumference of no more than 64 cm.

“In need of a time travel companion (please take this seriously)

I have a functioning time machine (i know it sounds unbelievable, but I assure you it works) that I need a 2nd person to operate with me. I’m looking for someone who is adventurous and reliable. Preferable a male; or a female that can do heavy lifting.

I am leaving on September 30th, 2010, in the morning and plan to return October 2nd, 2010. I am going to June 1983 to handle some business.

If you are serious about time travel and are reliable, then please contact me. You do not have to pay anything, but you would have to provide someone to watch my cat for the time we are gone. The only qualifications needed are that you are reliable and that the circumferance of your head is no more than 64cm.

We will be leaving from Bozeman, MT. Let me know if you want to go with me.”

View the ad on the Best of Craigslist.

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About the Author

Rob Schwarz is a writer, blogger, and part-time peddler of mysterious tales. He manages Stranger Dimensions in between changing aquarium filters and reading bad novels about mermaids.
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  • Heath

    You never know what can be found on craigslist! I love the introduction, “submitted for your consideration.”
    Very ‘Rod Serling-esque’

    • Rob

      You got me! That’s exactly where my mind was when I wrote that…I’ve been thinking about The Twilight Zone, recently.

    • Heath

      I started watching The Twilight Zone as a kid and still love it. I think it taught a lot of viewers so much about humanity and irony, not just science fiction.

  • George

    Safety Not Guaranteed

    “Wanted: Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. P.O. Box 91 Ocean View, WA 99393. You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.”

    • Joseph Amadeus Liska

      I’m in

    • Letitia

      Come get me and let’s go. Love and light to you find me at bkia37@yahoo.com

  • Chris Christ

    A time machine can only travel back in time to the time it was made/operational !

    • Common people

      I’ve made a machine in 1983. It works.

    • John Mccaff

      Can you email me

    • dan9el

      Actually the range of it, is – ( should be ) – quite larger then that…providing that is well constructed with everything required it is, in order to move not only in TIME….but also in SPACE when reach any given Space-Time Window.

  • Letitia

    I am female can lift over 70lbs alone
    Looking for a traveler who needs a companion. I have a brainpower that minimizes need to battle I am aware and functioning at a spirit of all power. I am built to travel and no one will miss me here please respond at bkia37@yahoo.com

  • stonehand

    I now know why so many people go missing and having to hear a line like: ” It puts the lotion on its skin! Seriously people respond to this stuff?? Lord help them…